I was thinking about my time in medical school….lots of personal growth, but I’m so glad its over.
I had a season where I questioned my journey or if I even wanted residency. At times it felt taboo to say this. Everyone wants residency. Thats the point of the 4 years of med school madness. However, I had a season where I doubted if this was the path I should be going down.
I found this from my journal during this time…
“This is hard …studying for step 3, paying for exams, paying for practice questions…and I don’t even know if this is what I want to do anymore. I feel so ugh inside….hollow….I know that there can be life outside of medicine. I am tired of putting my life and other aspirations on hold to be in the hospital. Tired of being away from my husband and family events. I know life can be different and I want it. Looking back, I think that was the most bold in my thinking I’ve been, including now. I think I allowed myself to be that bold because maybe deep down inside I didn’t think it would mean me actually leaving medicine. I’m not sure. Do I want to match? Is it unwise and stupid for me not to want to? Am I doing something I will regret? Do I have it in me to go a different path? I HATE feeling like this. I hate not knowing. Am I bold enough to let go? Am I supposed to even be letting go? I know I can make this experience different by choosing to be of good cheer…by choosing to outwardly joyfully show my trust in God. But I just get so scared of being really stuck in a place where I could be for a long time. God help me. Please help me. Words cannot properly express how I’m feeling. God help me…”
Whew! This was some deep stuff. Thanking God for answered prayers, clarity, and renewed vision.
Love, Oluchi aka DivaDoc