Happy New Years all!
Like previous new years celebrations, there’s the exchange of proclamations that THIS year is “going to be the year of all years!” or “This will be the year all your dreams come to past!”
If I can be honest, I usually don’t believe it.
I usually roll my eyes, and focus on being grateful to God that I was even alive to see the new year.
Welp, 2014 is upon us….and for ONCE, I actually believe this year will be spectacular! I don’t know, I can’t explain it…I just feel it. I was telling my husband, “Theres something special about this year.” I just believe this is a year where dreams are turned to action, and I’m ready to work.
So, like many people, I started the year doing vision casting and setting goals I wanted to see happen in 2014. However not long after that, I failed at some of these goals, and my mind had a field day. So let me tell you: Hubby and I had planned to start the new years action by listening to @ShaunKing’s Life Goals University online live video event with all of these amazing speakers to get inspired for 2014. So I rush home from WalMart (late of course) saying to my self “Danggit, Leslie. How you gonna start 2014 late? Come on!” I hurriedly setup my laptop, grabbed hubby, and press play. My kitchen became filled with this cool music and flashes of the opening trailer, and I start to settle in to learn and be inspired. All of a sudden, the music stops and “Loading” pops up on the video… “Omg, please don’t be messed up… Internet please work …freaking load the video already.” It proceeds to stop and play for several minutes. After I confirmed that this was indeed just happening to me [my girlfriend had no problems streaming it and was by now well into the first speaker], my slow meltdown began.
Bad Truth #1: The devil did it…
I walked away thinking “Omg, God, why? See! I set a goal, and now I can’t even achieve it. Was it not your will for me to watch this? Chai, the devil! I rebuke you. You will not stop me from watching this video and achieving my first New Years Goal.” As I continued this internal dialogue, it was like God said, “Leslie. Chill out. It’s just slowly loading. That’s it. Its not that deep.”
I became quiet.
“Oh, ok God… it could be that too.”
God probably thought I was a nutcase. [I know He doesn’t…but it doesn’t stop my mind from saying this.] There I go again, taking a very simple thing and catastrophizing it into this spiritual warfare in my head. Gosh it was just slow Internet. Thinking about it, I realize I do this a lot. It’s important to pray and seek God’s perspective on things, but some thing’s are just not THAT deep.
Bad Truth #2: Nothing EVER goes right for me
So once I finally convince myself that the video online is just slowly loading and that everything will be ok, the ‘bad truth’ loop starts again in my head. When the video still wouldn’t play, I said to myself, ‘See Leslie, there you go…you can never start anything right. Why would it be YOU that can’t view this video. First goal down the drain…that’s a sign for the year to come.” In classic me style, I’d taken something that couldn’t have been further from being my fault, and placed the burden of it solely on me. Even now, as I type this, I can see how dumb and silly this was. It’s funny…because as a psychiatrist and friend, I counsel people all the time about not blaming themselves for things out of their control… and here I was doing it.
Bad Truth #3: Comparing my lane to someone else’s
After an hour had passed, I do the next best thing to watching the online event… I hop on Twitter, lol. My timeline was full of #100lifegoals and quotes from the now 4th speaker on the video….
Dangit, my video was still painstakingly buffering through the 1st speaker. Now I was just pissed, and my ‘bad truth’ self talk went into full on negative mode. “I’m always behind. I’m still on #1 while everyone else is on the 4th one. I can never start anything on time. I started residency late. I went to med school late. I can never keep up. I can never be up to par with everyone else. ”
When I heard myself say that, I knew I had to write this post, even if it was just for me to deconstruct all the crap I’d just said to myself over the past hour. What does not starting residency on time, have anything to do with not seeing a video online? [And who says theres a RIGHT time to start residency…but thats a whole other post.] It shocked me that I let my thoughts go there…that this was enough to trigger such a stupidly negative cycle of trashtalking myself…when, may I remind myself, NONE of it was my fault.
Bad Truth #4: You can’t be Mama AND Dreamchaser
So I’d finally gotten into a groove of letting the video load and watching chunks at a time…I settle in my couch, grab my notebook and pen, and think “Yes! Time to conquer 2014!
Then, the baby wakes up. Crying. Loud.
Now, I get a little emotional writing this part because since he was born I’ve been very adamant about never being upset or annoyed about anything concerning him. But when my precious little munchkin announced to the world his need to be fed, I was just a teeny, weeny, little annoyed.
Sigh. Munchkin forgive me. [Internal dialogue: “I’m a good mother! I promise.”]
So, obviously the video goes on pause, and I watch another 2 hours tick away while I chase the munchkin around the living room trying to get him to finish his small bowl of fufu & soup. [Yes, my 1 year old eats fufu, but that again is a whole other post.]
At this point its headed into evening, and I’m just tired.
So, being a psychiatrist, I’m big on taking any situation as an opportunity for self-analysis. Here’s what I learned:
a) I may not reach my goals at first try….and that’s OK! Case in point, I’d rushed home, and was immediately slowed down by a technical issue. Don’t get discouraged by small stuff that seemingly throws you off course from your goals. Don’t assume blame for something that sooo clearly is not your fault.
b) Appreciate my season. I’m a mom…of a 1 year old…and in residency. In NO way does it mean this gives me permission to be less ambitious…it just means that at this time, he and my family are my priority. It may take me longer to reach certain goals or I may be more tired. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Everything about my son is a BLESSING, and I’ll never put work or anything else before him or my husband. That being said, I’m learning that being a wife and a mom is a HUGE part of my original dreams to be a world changer…It teaches me I have to start in my home first…and somewhere along the way I’ll get good at balancing it all…being wife, mama #DivaDoc, and changing the world.
c) Freakin stay in your own lane, Leslie. This should be the mantra for my life. Time and time again, God has told me this. My life hasn’t run on a typical schedule or course, but that’s MY story. If it did, it wouldn’t be me. Just like with driving, if I try to go into someone else’s lane (copy or envy someone else’s journey) I’m likely to wreck my self and the other driver. Besides, when I stay in my own lane, I experience a journey that makes it so worthwhile. My initial delay in watching the video, led to me watching the individual videos later on with my family and having thought-provoking conversation of our dreams. Awesome right?
So, here’s to a prosperous New Year- full of goal setting and achieving. Don’t be to hard on your self when things mess up, and enjoy the ride! #2014letsdoit